26 July 2014

Undoing What We Almost Done Did.

So. You may remember plan A. 

Plan A was as follows: Lucy goes to school. When Lucy is in 2nd grade, Molly will start Kinder. When Molly is in 2nd and Lucy is in 4th, Claire will start Kinder. When Molly is in 4th and Claire is in 2nd, the boys will start Kinder and Lucy will come home for sixth grade and beyond. Each kid will stay in school until sixth grade, bringing them home on a stair-step sort of schedule. By the time the boys come home to begin sixth, we'll have Claire in 8th, Mo in 10th and Lucy graduated. Super smart, right?

But every few months I have a crisis on conscience and decide we should homeschool. I don't particularly want to homeschool in a house full of tiny children. But my moral superiority and pride keep calling me back. If I really loved them, I'd want to homeschool them from Day One, right? Riiiiiiight...

In March I felt the pull once again. My desire to run a tight ship and school my children in a perfect home classroom took over and Andrew said to me, "Fine. You know I support homeschooling and I always have. Pull her out and give it a trial run. If she's learning the way you want her to learn by the time second grade starts at school, we'll keep going. If you feel like it's not going well, we'll do Plan A." 

Bless his heart, he knew exactly what he was doing. Y'all, I have learned my lesson. I am simply not cut out for this at this time. Why, exactly? Well...this house is in a state of chaos 100% of the time. I know many mothers can handle keeping the home and teaching the children. With two nineteen-month-olds, one three year old and two needing actual teaching, this place was literally a complete zoo. I was struggling to even keep up with the basics, and I wasn't doing more than the bare minimum in anything. What bothered me the most was that I didn't have a chance to be truly present in any part of my life. I was half-listening, half-yelling, half-loving, half-teaching, half-cleaning, half-cooking and half-caring. With so many people pulling me in so many directions, I feel like anyone only ever gets about 10% of me at once anyway, and then I went and added teaching to the mix. It just wasn't working. 

Thankfully, my husband understands that I need to try it before I can fully appreciate just how hot the water is. I am a true skeptic, and this was the same as any other experience. 

The girls are enrolled in a school we truly love, and we are all SO excited about the coming school year. I have so many plans and things to look forward to, and none of them are particularly grand. Claire and I are going to bake cookies and take naps. Miles and I can read and read and read. Max will have plenty of time with Mama, probably in time-out. Keeping it real. They'll have my full attention, and the girls will have the full attention of people who are prepared, focused and organized. I'm not an organized person at this point in my life. I understand how to BE organized, and I know that there are women who can stay organized throughout this stage of their lives. I'm just not one of those people. I will be organized when I no longer have Mac and cheese all over my dining room floor. I will be dedicated when I don't have a toddler walking on the back of the sofa. Right now my mind is this big puddle of diapers and laundry and goldfish and choking hazards and teething and sleepless nights. I have prayed for the grace to do it all, but He's given me the grace to humbly accept that I just can't do it all. When I pray for the strength to manage all of these little people, I hear Him say, "less managing, more mommying." 

So, we embark on a commitment to a different school than I envisioned until 6th grade or a very good reason to change the plan. Andrew will decide that, should the occasion arise. He is far more decisive and discerning than I am, and he tends to examine the entire situation better than I'm able. He is a prayerful, thoughtful man and I know that he keeps a close watch and listens to my concerns with a loving heart. 

I do look forward to homeschooling, when the time is right. I look forward to easing in, if that's His plan. His timing is always perfect, right?

1 comment:

Jenna said...

If there's anything I've learned in this life, it's that His will and His timing are always perfect, even when I am 110% convinced that MY plan is so perfectly conceived that He couldn't possibly have a different one ;)