16 May 2014

I'm like Da Vinci, but way better and covered in peanut butter and jelly.

This is the longest stretch of time I've been pregnancy-free since 2006. I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm not unhappy. On the contrary. I'm having a wonderful time. But I feel so strange not growing a person right now. It's like telling a painter not to paint, friends. 

Are we going to have more children? I don't know. It's not really in our plans, but we love babies and we'd gladly accept more children. On the other hand, there's a lot that would need to happen around here to make another baby fit. Speaking just in terms of space, we'd need to make room in many ways! I have plenty of Catholic friends who'd say, "just buy a bigger car!" Y'all, we bought a bigger car and we filled that one. We bought a bigger house and it's starting to bow at the sides. Is material need a reason not to have more babies? Not really, but we pray about it and we talk about it, and having another isn't really on our hearts right now. Of course, Lucy, Claire and the twins weren't on our hearts, either, and now I'd say they're pretty firmly stuck there. It's hard to say what our final number will be, and if five is it, I'm just fine with that. Sometimes it feels like the world of Catholic homeschoolers is a "who's van is the fullest" race. It makes me tired, examining our lives and reasons and trying to figure out if we're called to have more. And sometimes when I say the word, "done," out loud i feel like a fraud who's failing to embrace her vocation.

Sometimes I think, if we're so good at this baby-having thing, shouldn't we keep doing it? What if Da Vinci had stopped at five paintings because his minivan was full? Dramatic, right? Not really, when you consider the possibility that one life can have.

Raising children isn't something done by those without talent for other things or those who are having children to fill an endless quiver. It's something done by those who are brave enough to take responsibility for the outcome of a life. A life that will touch hundreds, thousands, perhaps millions of people.  In our case, five lives. What an amazing gift. Five minds to shape. Five souls to cultivate. Five pair of hands to give aid to the world. Five unique smiles to give others hope. Five possible outcomes. Five possible saints. Five amazing people, and Andrew and I are at the helm, shaping their futures. Five masterpieces. And masterpieces take so much time, and so much love. Five masterpieces is enough. One masterpiece is enough. Any number is enough when we use our finest paint, our best brushes and our greatest love. 

And really, Da Vinci was no master compared to what we're doing. He created representations. We are creating reality, and that, friends, is what really matters.


Jessica said...

This is beautiful!

Lisa Marie said...

I agree, and you have FIVE souls to guide to heaven, if anyone thinks that'snot huge responsibility, they're crazy! It's a big job and you are most certainly fulfilling your "obligation" as a Catholic wife and mother. I say bravo and keep it up!