15 October 2013

You Are Enough.

I keep typing and backspacing, over and over. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. The devil is a trickster. My faith is not as simple as, "once saved, always saved." Salvation is a work in progress, you know? So as I step along in my daily life, I seek to improve myself. I continue to question everything around me.

Am I holy enough? Am I patient enough? Am I gentle enough? If I don't homeschool, am I a good Catholic parent? If I only have five kids, am I open enough to life? If we have more than we need, should we give away the rest? If my kids haven't memorized their catechism, am I sending them to hell? If they don't start reading the great books, will they ever learn to read? If we don't pray a family rosary every night, will they ever learn to pray?

It all swirls around in my head. Am I doing enough? Should we be doing more? Am I in a state of mortal sin? Is the Lord pleased with me? Do I pray enough? Do I love the Lord like I should? Am I too scrupulous?

So what is it, then? Am I examining my conscience and continuously seeking to improve myself, or is the devil truly in the details, here? I know that he'd love nothing more than to keep my heart always doubting. I know that nothing would please him more than my confusion, so concerned that I'm separated from the Lord that I never truly let myself get close.

He surrounds me women who appear to try harder. Women whose seemingly devout and holy lives make me wonder where I'm going wrong. Women who truly seem to have it all together, who remember to pray, who understand the faith better, who teach their children with more fervor and grace. Just when I think I'm starting to get it together, one of these Catholic super moms will pop up with, "so neat that you guys made pizzas this weekend! We built a grotto and the kids memorized the diary of saint Faustina, and then we made Sacred Heart sundaes!" Womp womp...and I think, "what does this all mean?!"

I'm at this crazy point where I can't tell if people are put in my path to throw me off my game or to encourage me to be better.

But we have something beautiful at our disposal. We have the Holy Spirit. That voice inside us that says, "Be gentle, you can't possibly know her path. Be kind to yourself, I am attentive and patient. Be at peace, you are enough."

In the swirls of spiritual despair, there is always a steady voice that says, "just love them. Let your love be the prayer they learn by heart." When I start to wonder if I'm good enough, if I'm holy enough, I can't help but wonder if what if say to my own little girl asked me if she was enough. "Yes, baby. You are enough. You are smart enough, you are holy enough, you are kind enough, you are daring enough, you are pretty enough, you are loving enough, you will always be enough." Does He think the same thing when I ask?
I can feel it when the burden gets too heavy. Something inside me says, "steady on, you are enough."

Let not your hearts be troubled, mamas. He sees you crying over a sink full of dishes. He sees you holding that screaming baby. He sees you doing it all day in and day out. He knows it's glorious and not. He knows you want to run out that door screaming but couldn't possibly leave those sweet faces. He knows you work 24 hours a day without lunch breaks. He knows you forget to pray, you'd like to pray, you long to be closer to Him. He knows there are never enough hours in the day. He knows the devil is at your back, telling you over and over, "you're not enough."

But you are, baby. Your mama thinks so and so does He. What does she always say? "Just tell the truth and do your best."

Steady on, baby. You are enough.

No comments: