23 November 2012

35w - Our Labor & Delivery appt.

Man, people are funny. Today we had our 35w appointment at Labor and Delivery because my OB's office was closed. It was about 2 hours long and included a Biophysical Profile, a Non-Stress Test, and a sonogram to check for weights and heart rates. Sounds simple, right? We have them every week, and we just have two more to go at most! Yippee!

The first thing we did was check in. That took FOR. EV. ER. But that's normal because when you check in at the hospital they treat it as if you're staying. And so did the nice nurse who passed us and said, "Ah! The big day!" I'm betting she felt bad when I smiled and chirped, "Another few weeks to go!" Seriously, even IN Labor & Delivery, don't assume a woman is about to deliver. Unless she's panting and pushing, just smile at her and walk on by.

So then we got the boys hooked up on the monitors and I got to watch my contractions bounce along. Nothing exciting. I'm contracting about 4 times an hour, which is pretty standard. The boys are monitor champs and Miles actually held still for about an hour, which is some sort of record.

So the nurse came in and started the intake questions, which are all pretty...redundant.

"Do you have any swelling?"

"Yes. Everywhere." (This was followed by a leg check and "Well, it was Thanksgiving yesterday..." Zing.)

"Do you snore loud enough that you can be heard through a closed door?"

"Yes. Last night I actually heard myself snoring in a half-waking state and thought that I should stop but couldn't rouse myself from my Tylenol PM state enough to do anything about it."

"Are you overweight or have you experienced a sudden weight gain?"

::crickets::   Really?

"Are you experiencing any pain and can you rate it on a scale of 1-10?"

Now what kind of question is this to ask a woman who's 35 weeks pregnant with twins? Where do I begin? My feet are killing me all the time, because I'm overweight or have experienced a sudden weight gain. (Ha!) My knees hurt because I am nearly the size of a Highland Games competitor. Caber toss, anyone? My thighs hurt because Max is sitting on a nerve and my left thigh is numb 46% of the time. My hips and pelvis are killing me because I have a person's head lodged there. I am a firm believer that the only heads that should be lodged anywhere are Paleolithic hunters who were killed while hunting and not given a proper burial. My belly hurts because on top of the person with the lodged head is another person. The top left part of my belly hurts because I have irreversible nerve damage caused by a number of small redheads and it burns like crazy 24 hours a day. My ribs hurt because Miles's head is stuck in them and I can't bend over without getting stuck on a baby. My back hurts because my belly weighs as much as my 18 month old toddler. My head hurts because I'm being asked CRAZY questions! I thought about my "pain" for a minute and remembered from last time that a 10 means you want to kill yourself, so clearly I'm not a ten. And it's not really "I need to be medicated" pain so much as "I need to be sedated" pain.

So I just said, "Oh, just a little back pain. Maybe a four?" Sheesh.

We made it through another 30 or so inane questions, and then the sonographer came in. The first thing she said was, "Where is Baby B's head? Why can't I find B's head?" over and over in near hysterics.

Well, I haven't seen it around the house anywhere, and my last appointment was exactly a week ago, so I'm sure you'll run across it. As it happens, it was missing because that little chucklehead is breech again. Yes, at 35 weeks he's still flipping back and forth about twice a week. I've been docking his allowance for weeks now. Up to no good.

So the sonographer started in almost immediately about how twins must have been a huge surprise and we "probably weren't planning for them...or another baby at all..." I was sorely tempted to give her a lecture on the Quiver-Full movement, but Andrew was staring me down. He has a sense about me sometimes. (Just FYI, we're not looking to fill a quiver, since Andrew won't let me take archery lessons anyway.)

She talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and yelled at the babies more than several times. I kept giving Andrew the side-eye but he refused to engage. Good man.

So to make this short, here is the gist. Max is head down and very far down. He's either about to make my water break or he's going to completely keep anything from progressing for the next three weeks. He was measuring 5.7 on the screen but they estimate him to be closer to 5.11 or 5.12 because they couldn't get an accurate measurement. Miles is breech again and measuring 5.12, which is absolutely fantastic. While the measurements can be off by a half-pound or more either way, it's a good indicator that they're growing very well and should we make it to a 38-week scheduled delivery, we will probably have babies who are close to 7 pounds. Max being so low is the only real "maybe" at this point, as they don't check for progress and he could very well be moving things along with all of his bouncing around so close to my cervix. I mean, at 35 weeks a twin pregnancy is completely up in the air and day-to-day. I'm guessing I'm not dilated at ALL and will make it to my scheduled delivery with no issue, but everyone around me stands at least 5 feet away as if my water will break and splash their shoes at any moment.

So, I have to find some milk and cookies and snuggle up with my husband. A few weeks from now I'm going to be too busy nursing babies to drink milk OR snuggle!

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